No Words

A few short days ago, my fears were actualized. The one thing I dreaded so much and also the one thing I knew I could not hold a grudge about happened. I got a phone call from the birthmother that her feelings had changed, and she is keeping the baby. I felt a pain and disappointment unlike anything I have ever experienced. I completely lost control of my body... my brain stopped and my heart literally broke as I shuddered with sobs. God somehow led my car to Andrew. I got out of the car and clung to him. I felt like if I didn't grab something real and stable I might slip away and completely lose myself. I was afraid. Afraid of the weight of the despair. It was very sudden.

The next day, I woke up with puffy eyes, a pounding head and a sad heart. My friend made me leave the house, and made sure she kept me busy until Andrew got home from work. The day was a roller coaster. I felt exhausted all day, completely defeated. I made myself go into the room we've decorated for our baby. I did not want to avoid it.

On the next day, I was mostly on my own. That is how I like to deal with things. I slept in, ran some errands... no makeup, dirty hair, slouchy clothes. Unfortunate for the general public as I'm sure I looked the way I felt. At this point, only a few people knew what had happened, and I spent the day dreading having to notify everyone else. I imagined the words of this exact post at least four dozen times but never could muster the courage to sit and write it that day.

The next day, I woke with a can do attitude. I got ready for work and on my way in felt good. I felt I had accepted what was not happening, and now I needed to take care of the business of cancelling my leave of absence. I walked in with my head held high, and my boss came to my desk with a big smile saying "It's almost time to go get that sweet boy!" And my resolve melted away. Tears pooled in my eyes as I told her we were not getting him. She gave me a hug, and in an effort to re-gather my strength I took the sonogram photo down and took it to the shredder box, never looking at it.

I am going to skip the details of the next few days and sum it up as every day gets better. I am at peace with that not being our baby. I know that I confused what I was willing to be God's plan with what his plan was. I truly believe He needed us to play a part in that baby's life. I pray that he will be well cared for, and I have released my claim of him. I know that was not our baby. I know that God has our perfect baby out there, and when the time is right, he will provide the means and opportunity.

Today, I want to say how thankful I am that we are so blessed. I knew that we had good people in our lives, but I don't know that I fully appreciated what that meant. Less than a week ago, I thought that I did not want to face a life without the plan I had in place for the previous 3 months. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare of that phone call. As those I love have found out about this change of plans, they have reached out in a way that has healed me. All of the verses, cliche'd phrases, words of love, promises of prayers and even tears for how much they already loved the idea of our baby coming home with us soon. Those things have given me strength to face a new future and hope that if I thought I loved that baby, imagine how incredible it will be when I hold my child that will not be taken from me. It's something so wonderful, that I am almost thankful to have faced this failed adoption. We are even more excited about getting our real baby than we were when we first started the search

My husband is my source of strength. He is the reason that I am willing to go back out there searching again. He is going to make the most wonderful father! Being his partner in our lives together to this point has been so rewarding. Parenting with him will truly make my life! Thanks be to God for a wonderful life and for your perfect plan. Thank you for teaching me how to trust in You when I think I know best.

There is no song to use here. There are truly no words.

Home

I think they call it nesting. It may seem a little late to start this process, but come on people, I've had a very abbreviated "pregnancy." Last weekend, mom and I found the long sought after dresser/changing table. And we also found a well-loved rocker. GREAT Saturday morning at the flea market. Then we found all the fabric for the nursery in one place! Andrew and I cleared out the existing furniture to make room for the baby's stuff and picked up the crib from our friends on Sunday. I sorted through the clothes that have been donated and washed everything up to 6 months. It almost looks like a baby lives here now! Soon, my lovelies... very soon!

Home by Phillip Phillips

Redeemed

This week has been one struggle after another. I haven't been sleeping through the night because my mind will not stop running a bajillion miles a minute. I'm staying up late with my thoughts. So I start planning, worrying, searching, and justifying until I pass out. Then while I think I'm innocently catching some Zzz's, my brain gets me again and leaks all those thoughts into my dreams. Then I'm awake and and working through it all again.

Work has been long days all week for both of us. Due to the lack of quality sleep, those days are tough! On Thursday of last week, I left late for work to find a blanket of fog that kept me from seeing the mailbox at the end of the driveway. Immediately the blood pressure spikes. Not only am I getting a late start, but I'll never make up the time in this fog with morning traffic, and I'm gonna be late. The commute was slow as expected but steady and much easier than expected. I felt the tension slackening a little bit.

I tuned to KLOVE, and there was a woman caller on talking to the djs. I had missed the original reason for her call, but what I heard really caught me. Then they asked her if she could hold to continue the story in 15 minutes. I was so disappointed because in 15 minutes, I needed to be walking into work. I kept listening, and just as I was thinking I wouldn't know the rest of the story, they brought her back early. She had a testimony of so much hope. I will not go into the entire story, but it was related to 11 years of marriage and children and doubting but keeping the faith. She prayed for years to change someone in her life. When that wasn't working, she started praying to change herself. That didn't work, and she realized she was praying the wrong prayers. She changed her prayers to ask that she can willingly accept God's will in her life. Then it all turned around.

I recently told my dear friend that I felt guilty because I wanted to ask everyone to pray that we get this baby  with no problems or setbacks. I know that God knows which baby is ours and will provide when the time and situation is right. She told me it is okay to pray for God's will to match the desires of your heart. So when I heard that lady's story, I took a deep breath and let out a long exhale and felt a weight lifted. Worrying is not going to help us get our baby any quicker.

The song Redeemed came on the radio immediately after. It starts like this:

Seems like all I could see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last

Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "Son,

Stop fighting a fight, it's already been won"

I believe very strongly that I was running late on my time that day, but I was right on the time God had planned for me that day. Thank you Jesus for knowing what I need more than I do and for showing me right when I need it.

Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave

Who Am I

The adoptive parents' profile is arguably the most important project in process of finding our baby. It was also the least stressful and most fun part! It was a creative outlet in the midst of crunching numbers, completing forms, crossing t's and dotting i's.

Because I feel it is great, brief but sufficient description, I've stolen the following verbiage from Little Blessing Adoption*:
"An Adoption Profile (or sometimes called Dear Birthmother Letter, Parent Profile, Adoption Resume, Adoption Book or Life Book) is a document given to expecting parents who are considering an adoption plan for their child. With most domestic adoptions you need to provide your adoption professional (agency, facilitator, attorney) with a Profile they can show to birthparents so they can select a forever family for their baby. A profile should be an eye-catching, heartfelt, photo-filled, creative document showing a family's wishes for a child and their strong desire to expand their family through adoption"

Ours was organized as follows:
1. Cover page w/ our names and a photo
2. Birthmother Letter
3.Our Couple Story with photos
4. Page about MB by Andrew with photos of her
5. Page about Andrew by MB with photos of him
6. Photos of our pet babies
7. - 9. Info about and photos of our friends and family
10. Photos of our godchildren
11. More photos of us
12. Info and photos about our home and community
13. Closing letter of thanks and a photo

My advice for the profile is to research and try to look at as many as you can. It's good for reference, but when it comes to making yours, make it your own. We were told that ours came across as "real" and that is what separated us from the others. The first impression is everything with birthparents.

* We did not use this website or the services offered by it. I simply used the description for this blog.

Who Am I by Casting Crowns

Fear

Something has held me back from showing this blog to the world. Once it's out there, this most personal thing that is happening in our lives is open to criticism and commentary. Why would anyone purposefully be so vulnerable? As noted, I am an optimist, cautious or not. I am naive enough to still believe in the good in people. And moreover that evil will be trumped by good. I believe that if I continue to release positivity into the world, it will be returned to me. And mostly I believe that God will protect me from the negativity and pain. And I think that goodness will prevail.

Know that a blog is an expression of one's heart and mind. And while I am opening myself to all sorts of judgement, I am doing it willingly. And although I will be the author most of the time, I am doing it with the blessing of my one of a kind, incredible, amazing husband. Reading the blogs of others in the midst of the journey of adoption has been therapeutic and education and equally heart-warming and heart-wrenching. If even one person is helped by anything in this silly blog of ours, it's far-exceeded my expectations. Thanks for being an audience.

Taking a deep breath and going to FB official...

Fear by Sarah McLachlan

The Story

Lots of people have asked me how adoption works. Some people ask because they are considering adoption. Others because they have adopted or are in the process. And others still just out of curiosity, I guess. One thing I have learned that is the exact same no matter who/what/where/when/why, every adoption is unique. There are some basic steps that are the same for everyone, but all the details vary by each person's situation. I'll start with how adoption started for us.

We started discussing having a family, and during the Christmas holidays, while playing with one of our nephews, it just hit me how much I wanted a child. I looked over at Andrew and said something like, wouldn't this be awesome? And he nodded his head. I knew I could not be the mom I wanted to be with the hours I was working then, so I immediately started the search for a new job. I didn't have to look far before my former boss contacted me about taking my old position. This was definitely a sign to me that I was doing the right thing.

So we tried to conceive for just about a year before we learned that there were some infertility issues. Once we cleared by specialists that the things that were causing us trouble conceiving were not going to negatively affect our lives in any other way, we immediately chose the road to adoption instead of seeking treatment for infertility. Let me say, before I ruffle any feathers, that I have absolutely no objections to IVF, IUI, insemmination, surrogacy, accupuncture, etc... It's just not for us. Adoption had been on our hearts, and we just felt that was the way we were to have a family.

Initially, we were interested in adopting internationally, specifically from the Philippines. While in NY, a very special family opened their lives and home to us, they were Filipino. They had a huge impact on us. After a little research, we found out that they were closed to U.S. adoptions indefinitely. :-( Luckily, we had some friends that had just gone public with the news that they were adopting from Taiwan. This couple was so helpful to us. They were very open about all the work that they had put into their adoption at that point, and have continued to be a source of information and comfort even now. By the way, since we first started talking with them they went to get their first son last winter, and they just returned a few weeks ago to Taiwan to adopt twin boys! They have the most beautiful family - all 3 precious, smiling boys are adorable!!

Because of the cost to adopt internationally, including a large amount of unpredictable last minute travel costs, we decided to look into domestic adoption. I have some friends that adopted domestically a few years ago, and again when I went seeking information, they were willing and excited to tell me all they knew. After talking with them extensively about their process, we decided to pursue the same path.

The first thing that adoptive parent(s) must do is a home study. It is the key to your adoptive future. You can research all you like but nothing will happen until you have this finished document in your possession. This is when a social worker will spend time with the prospective adoptive parents and decide if they are fit to be parents or not. We had to complete a form that was about 50 pages long. It included basic information about our house and jobs, our characteristics, our financials, our families, our friends, our plans for childcare and discipline, etc... We also had blood & urine tests, shots, fingerprint background checks and checks in all the states we've lived in since the age of 18 in their child abuse databases. You are supposed to have 3 separate visits with the social worker. On at least one of those visits, they will tour your home and make sure it is suitable. Also, on at least one of those visits, the spouses are separated to have individual interviews with the social worker. This is all much more intimidating in theory than it was in actuality. Perhaps it is because we had an amazing experience with our social worker and the agency that completed our home study. The worse part was the cost of it all. In addition to the $1400 charge for the home study itself, we had to pay for the tests, immunizations, background checks, etc... which added up to about $400. However, it is a necessary part of the package, and if you've got to do it, I'd like to recommend the agency that we used. Please e-mail us at andrew.marybeth@gmail.com for their contact info.

With our home study complete, we followed up on a tip from our friends that adopted domestically. They referred us to a service that acts as a consultants between adoptive families and birthparents. THIS IS NOT A NECESSARY STEP! However, it came highly recommended and after reading online about the extremely long waits for newborns, we agreed that it seemed like a good idea. It is additional cost, but what's another $2500, right?! No, just kidding, that money was very hard to come by and it was earned with lots of extra work and penny pinching. Just so you know now, after our experience to this point, it is money well spent! (Please also email me if you want the info on this agency.) It was started by a woman who had long, anguished years waiting for her children. After adopting domestically and internationally herself, she decided there was a better way and she started her business. She has contacts all over the U.S. with adoption agencies and attorneys that contact her when they are looking for potential adoptive parents. There was a $300 application fee. After that, we had two phone consultations with one of her consultants. A payment of $1100 was due before each consultation. Once they received payment, we would receive a packet to review during the phone call. As soon as that second consultation call was completed, we started receiving birthmother situations. A situation is the information on the birthmother/BM (and hopefully the birthfather/BF) and any available information on the baby. They include ages of BM & BF, their physical characteristics, personality traits, medical records, current relationship, and information on other family members (including prior children). These situations also usually come with a budget and reasoning for adoption.

I have seen at least 5 situations per week over the last 6 weeks that we have been receiving them. I don't know if this is a baby boom time of year or what, but to know that there are this many babies out there needing homes makes me wish I had a ton of money and a huge house. And to know that without these consultants, they may be going to orphanages or foster homes instead of straight into the arms of longing parents, it makes me very thankful that we decided to use that service.

If you have questions about anything I touched on here, please let me know. If you don't feel comfortable writing your questions in comments here, email us at andrew.marybeth@gmail.com. Next time, I'll give what little information I have on how the costs of adoptions are calculated. All I know now is we are writing checks that we are praying will clear! If you asked me a year ago if we had almost $40,000 we would need to bring home our baby, I would have laughed in your face (and probably sobbed in my pillow!) However, we are almost already at that number, and we really have no idea how we keep making up the difference. We do know that God is faithful, and that it is only by him that we have had what we needed at every step. We are in the last big push to save up before our last lump sum payment is due November 1. After that we'll only have travel costs (gas, hotel, possible flights) left, and after everything else, that seems like milk money! If I can ever figure out how, I am going to place a paypal button on this blog, and although I don't know how to ask for charity, we will beg and plead. We are very ready to bring home our boy, and if that means asking our loved ones to clean out their couch cushions so be it! We have already been overwhelmed by the generosity of every person we have shared our story with since the beginning. Not necessarily in monetary ways, but in prayers and love. Those things have gotten us this far, and if that is all we get, God-willing it will take us through to the end.

The Story by Brandi Carlile

BABY, What a Big Surprise!

After what seems like forever on a crazy journey, we have decided it is time to share some wonderful news! Andrew and I are growing our family through adoption. After evaluating a lot of options,  we decided to adopt domestically - a.k.a. within the U.S.A. We began the search for an infant boy or girl a thousand years ago (or officially August 8) knowing that he or she could arrive in a matter of months, or years, but when the time was right, we would be matched with the right birthparent(s) and excitedly wait to bring home our baby!

To our amazement, on August 16, we received information about Birthmother (BM-E) that is expecting a boy November 13. BM-E and baby were both seemingly healthy, and although it was much sooner than expected, we prayed about it and decided to notify her agency that we would like to be considered by her. Then we heard nothing, for an entire week. 7 days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes. It may not seem like much on a normal basis, but when you're waiting for the phone call or e-mail stating that someone has (or has not) chosen you to raise the child they are carrying, you become aware of each and every ticking minute. 

Then at around 3:30 in the afternoon on Thursday, August 24, I got a phone call. It was not about BM-E. The same agency had shown our profile (more on that later) to BM-K, and she wanted to speak to us and one other couple and make a decision before the weekend. With my heart racing, I called Andrew, and we agreed that if her situation looked like a match we should jump in. Within 30 minutes, we had gotten her information from the agency, and it honestly looked too good to be true, tailor made to exactly what we'd hoped to find. The only thing was that she did not know if she was having a boy or girl. Although we were open to either, Andrew was really hoping for a boy - as I'm sure most men do. Two hours after the first call that day, we were anxiously waiting a call from BM-K to see what would happen.

The call with her went really well. She is very sweet and smart, and she seemed very mature for her age. She has a realistic approach to her situation. She is young without financial support to take care of herself, much less a baby. As she says, this child is a miracle, but it's not her miracle. It's meant for someone else. As we were saying goodbye, she said she would make a decision by Monday and thanked us for our time. As soon as the call disconnected, Andrew and I smiled at each other. And then it hit us, MONDAY! That means an entire weekend of not knowing... here I go again counting the minutes. Friday afternoon when I left work, I posted to fb a prayer request for patience and the discipline to trust in God's timing. Before I got home, we got the call that BM-K had chosen us!!! And the icing on the cake, she had been to the dr. that day and found out she is having a BOY! 

One week and one day later we were on the road to meet this amazing person and get to know each other a little bit. We spent an afternoon with BM-K and her mom (BMM-R). It was surreal to say the least. There were times when we were each delicately testing the waters to see how much information we could get and/or give. And then there were moments we were just lost in discussion, almost forgetting our odd situation. She gave us pictures from her sonogram. This was something I wanted desperately but was too afraid to ask her to give me. At the end, we gave BM-K a bag of little things to let her know we appreciate her and are thinking of her. And we also gave BMM-R a Jesus Calling devotional to help her through this as she is BM-K's only source of support. We all hugged and said goodbye.

As soon as we drove away, my eyes welled with tears and Andrew held my hand. He knew exactly what I was thinking. He said, "Everything is going to happen exactly the way it's supposed to." 

I said, "What if..."

He interrupted me and said, "We cannot control what anyone is going to do. We just have to do the right thing, and in the end we will have the right baby. Even if it's not this one, and I want it to be, we're going to be okay."

I love that man. Thank you God for giving me a better partner than I deserve and a better husband than I could have dreamed I could have. 

Almost a month to the date of that first call, we are on track to bring home a baby boy in late November. We speak with BM-K a few times a week to get updates on her and the baby. Both are doing well, except for a really tight belly and some swollen feet on her part. 

We are slowly believing this is  actually happening. We did a baby registry today - fun but confusing! We both agreed we should have brought a mom along for guidance! We are contemplating names and figuring out a theme for the nursery. And mostly trying to figure out how we are going to cram 9 months of pregnancy planning time into the next 2 months! God-willing, we will figure it out. 

It should be noted that nothing is finalized in adoption until the baby is in our arms. Several months after that, actually. We thought all along that we would keep this all to ourselves until we had him back home with us. But what we have learned over the last few years on this long journey (I'll get to that later) is that prayer is what has gotten us this far. And if the prayers of a small group have gotten us here, we've gotta get more prayers to get him home! So thank you in advance for your support and prayers. We feel truly blessed to have been chosen for this path, and we are excited to see what lies ahead.

Baby, What a Big Surprise by Chicago