The Story

Lots of people have asked me how adoption works. Some people ask because they are considering adoption. Others because they have adopted or are in the process. And others still just out of curiosity, I guess. One thing I have learned that is the exact same no matter who/what/where/when/why, every adoption is unique. There are some basic steps that are the same for everyone, but all the details vary by each person's situation. I'll start with how adoption started for us.

We started discussing having a family, and during the Christmas holidays, while playing with one of our nephews, it just hit me how much I wanted a child. I looked over at Andrew and said something like, wouldn't this be awesome? And he nodded his head. I knew I could not be the mom I wanted to be with the hours I was working then, so I immediately started the search for a new job. I didn't have to look far before my former boss contacted me about taking my old position. This was definitely a sign to me that I was doing the right thing.

So we tried to conceive for just about a year before we learned that there were some infertility issues. Once we cleared by specialists that the things that were causing us trouble conceiving were not going to negatively affect our lives in any other way, we immediately chose the road to adoption instead of seeking treatment for infertility. Let me say, before I ruffle any feathers, that I have absolutely no objections to IVF, IUI, insemmination, surrogacy, accupuncture, etc... It's just not for us. Adoption had been on our hearts, and we just felt that was the way we were to have a family.

Initially, we were interested in adopting internationally, specifically from the Philippines. While in NY, a very special family opened their lives and home to us, they were Filipino. They had a huge impact on us. After a little research, we found out that they were closed to U.S. adoptions indefinitely. :-( Luckily, we had some friends that had just gone public with the news that they were adopting from Taiwan. This couple was so helpful to us. They were very open about all the work that they had put into their adoption at that point, and have continued to be a source of information and comfort even now. By the way, since we first started talking with them they went to get their first son last winter, and they just returned a few weeks ago to Taiwan to adopt twin boys! They have the most beautiful family - all 3 precious, smiling boys are adorable!!

Because of the cost to adopt internationally, including a large amount of unpredictable last minute travel costs, we decided to look into domestic adoption. I have some friends that adopted domestically a few years ago, and again when I went seeking information, they were willing and excited to tell me all they knew. After talking with them extensively about their process, we decided to pursue the same path.

The first thing that adoptive parent(s) must do is a home study. It is the key to your adoptive future. You can research all you like but nothing will happen until you have this finished document in your possession. This is when a social worker will spend time with the prospective adoptive parents and decide if they are fit to be parents or not. We had to complete a form that was about 50 pages long. It included basic information about our house and jobs, our characteristics, our financials, our families, our friends, our plans for childcare and discipline, etc... We also had blood & urine tests, shots, fingerprint background checks and checks in all the states we've lived in since the age of 18 in their child abuse databases. You are supposed to have 3 separate visits with the social worker. On at least one of those visits, they will tour your home and make sure it is suitable. Also, on at least one of those visits, the spouses are separated to have individual interviews with the social worker. This is all much more intimidating in theory than it was in actuality. Perhaps it is because we had an amazing experience with our social worker and the agency that completed our home study. The worse part was the cost of it all. In addition to the $1400 charge for the home study itself, we had to pay for the tests, immunizations, background checks, etc... which added up to about $400. However, it is a necessary part of the package, and if you've got to do it, I'd like to recommend the agency that we used. Please e-mail us at andrew.marybeth@gmail.com for their contact info.

With our home study complete, we followed up on a tip from our friends that adopted domestically. They referred us to a service that acts as a consultants between adoptive families and birthparents. THIS IS NOT A NECESSARY STEP! However, it came highly recommended and after reading online about the extremely long waits for newborns, we agreed that it seemed like a good idea. It is additional cost, but what's another $2500, right?! No, just kidding, that money was very hard to come by and it was earned with lots of extra work and penny pinching. Just so you know now, after our experience to this point, it is money well spent! (Please also email me if you want the info on this agency.) It was started by a woman who had long, anguished years waiting for her children. After adopting domestically and internationally herself, she decided there was a better way and she started her business. She has contacts all over the U.S. with adoption agencies and attorneys that contact her when they are looking for potential adoptive parents. There was a $300 application fee. After that, we had two phone consultations with one of her consultants. A payment of $1100 was due before each consultation. Once they received payment, we would receive a packet to review during the phone call. As soon as that second consultation call was completed, we started receiving birthmother situations. A situation is the information on the birthmother/BM (and hopefully the birthfather/BF) and any available information on the baby. They include ages of BM & BF, their physical characteristics, personality traits, medical records, current relationship, and information on other family members (including prior children). These situations also usually come with a budget and reasoning for adoption.

I have seen at least 5 situations per week over the last 6 weeks that we have been receiving them. I don't know if this is a baby boom time of year or what, but to know that there are this many babies out there needing homes makes me wish I had a ton of money and a huge house. And to know that without these consultants, they may be going to orphanages or foster homes instead of straight into the arms of longing parents, it makes me very thankful that we decided to use that service.

If you have questions about anything I touched on here, please let me know. If you don't feel comfortable writing your questions in comments here, email us at andrew.marybeth@gmail.com. Next time, I'll give what little information I have on how the costs of adoptions are calculated. All I know now is we are writing checks that we are praying will clear! If you asked me a year ago if we had almost $40,000 we would need to bring home our baby, I would have laughed in your face (and probably sobbed in my pillow!) However, we are almost already at that number, and we really have no idea how we keep making up the difference. We do know that God is faithful, and that it is only by him that we have had what we needed at every step. We are in the last big push to save up before our last lump sum payment is due November 1. After that we'll only have travel costs (gas, hotel, possible flights) left, and after everything else, that seems like milk money! If I can ever figure out how, I am going to place a paypal button on this blog, and although I don't know how to ask for charity, we will beg and plead. We are very ready to bring home our boy, and if that means asking our loved ones to clean out their couch cushions so be it! We have already been overwhelmed by the generosity of every person we have shared our story with since the beginning. Not necessarily in monetary ways, but in prayers and love. Those things have gotten us this far, and if that is all we get, God-willing it will take us through to the end.

The Story by Brandi Carlile

BABY, What a Big Surprise!

After what seems like forever on a crazy journey, we have decided it is time to share some wonderful news! Andrew and I are growing our family through adoption. After evaluating a lot of options,  we decided to adopt domestically - a.k.a. within the U.S.A. We began the search for an infant boy or girl a thousand years ago (or officially August 8) knowing that he or she could arrive in a matter of months, or years, but when the time was right, we would be matched with the right birthparent(s) and excitedly wait to bring home our baby!

To our amazement, on August 16, we received information about Birthmother (BM-E) that is expecting a boy November 13. BM-E and baby were both seemingly healthy, and although it was much sooner than expected, we prayed about it and decided to notify her agency that we would like to be considered by her. Then we heard nothing, for an entire week. 7 days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes. It may not seem like much on a normal basis, but when you're waiting for the phone call or e-mail stating that someone has (or has not) chosen you to raise the child they are carrying, you become aware of each and every ticking minute. 

Then at around 3:30 in the afternoon on Thursday, August 24, I got a phone call. It was not about BM-E. The same agency had shown our profile (more on that later) to BM-K, and she wanted to speak to us and one other couple and make a decision before the weekend. With my heart racing, I called Andrew, and we agreed that if her situation looked like a match we should jump in. Within 30 minutes, we had gotten her information from the agency, and it honestly looked too good to be true, tailor made to exactly what we'd hoped to find. The only thing was that she did not know if she was having a boy or girl. Although we were open to either, Andrew was really hoping for a boy - as I'm sure most men do. Two hours after the first call that day, we were anxiously waiting a call from BM-K to see what would happen.

The call with her went really well. She is very sweet and smart, and she seemed very mature for her age. She has a realistic approach to her situation. She is young without financial support to take care of herself, much less a baby. As she says, this child is a miracle, but it's not her miracle. It's meant for someone else. As we were saying goodbye, she said she would make a decision by Monday and thanked us for our time. As soon as the call disconnected, Andrew and I smiled at each other. And then it hit us, MONDAY! That means an entire weekend of not knowing... here I go again counting the minutes. Friday afternoon when I left work, I posted to fb a prayer request for patience and the discipline to trust in God's timing. Before I got home, we got the call that BM-K had chosen us!!! And the icing on the cake, she had been to the dr. that day and found out she is having a BOY! 

One week and one day later we were on the road to meet this amazing person and get to know each other a little bit. We spent an afternoon with BM-K and her mom (BMM-R). It was surreal to say the least. There were times when we were each delicately testing the waters to see how much information we could get and/or give. And then there were moments we were just lost in discussion, almost forgetting our odd situation. She gave us pictures from her sonogram. This was something I wanted desperately but was too afraid to ask her to give me. At the end, we gave BM-K a bag of little things to let her know we appreciate her and are thinking of her. And we also gave BMM-R a Jesus Calling devotional to help her through this as she is BM-K's only source of support. We all hugged and said goodbye.

As soon as we drove away, my eyes welled with tears and Andrew held my hand. He knew exactly what I was thinking. He said, "Everything is going to happen exactly the way it's supposed to." 

I said, "What if..."

He interrupted me and said, "We cannot control what anyone is going to do. We just have to do the right thing, and in the end we will have the right baby. Even if it's not this one, and I want it to be, we're going to be okay."

I love that man. Thank you God for giving me a better partner than I deserve and a better husband than I could have dreamed I could have. 

Almost a month to the date of that first call, we are on track to bring home a baby boy in late November. We speak with BM-K a few times a week to get updates on her and the baby. Both are doing well, except for a really tight belly and some swollen feet on her part. 

We are slowly believing this is  actually happening. We did a baby registry today - fun but confusing! We both agreed we should have brought a mom along for guidance! We are contemplating names and figuring out a theme for the nursery. And mostly trying to figure out how we are going to cram 9 months of pregnancy planning time into the next 2 months! God-willing, we will figure it out. 

It should be noted that nothing is finalized in adoption until the baby is in our arms. Several months after that, actually. We thought all along that we would keep this all to ourselves until we had him back home with us. But what we have learned over the last few years on this long journey (I'll get to that later) is that prayer is what has gotten us this far. And if the prayers of a small group have gotten us here, we've gotta get more prayers to get him home! So thank you in advance for your support and prayers. We feel truly blessed to have been chosen for this path, and we are excited to see what lies ahead.

Baby, What a Big Surprise by Chicago