No Words

A few short days ago, my fears were actualized. The one thing I dreaded so much and also the one thing I knew I could not hold a grudge about happened. I got a phone call from the birthmother that her feelings had changed, and she is keeping the baby. I felt a pain and disappointment unlike anything I have ever experienced. I completely lost control of my body... my brain stopped and my heart literally broke as I shuddered with sobs. God somehow led my car to Andrew. I got out of the car and clung to him. I felt like if I didn't grab something real and stable I might slip away and completely lose myself. I was afraid. Afraid of the weight of the despair. It was very sudden.

The next day, I woke up with puffy eyes, a pounding head and a sad heart. My friend made me leave the house, and made sure she kept me busy until Andrew got home from work. The day was a roller coaster. I felt exhausted all day, completely defeated. I made myself go into the room we've decorated for our baby. I did not want to avoid it.

On the next day, I was mostly on my own. That is how I like to deal with things. I slept in, ran some errands... no makeup, dirty hair, slouchy clothes. Unfortunate for the general public as I'm sure I looked the way I felt. At this point, only a few people knew what had happened, and I spent the day dreading having to notify everyone else. I imagined the words of this exact post at least four dozen times but never could muster the courage to sit and write it that day.

The next day, I woke with a can do attitude. I got ready for work and on my way in felt good. I felt I had accepted what was not happening, and now I needed to take care of the business of cancelling my leave of absence. I walked in with my head held high, and my boss came to my desk with a big smile saying "It's almost time to go get that sweet boy!" And my resolve melted away. Tears pooled in my eyes as I told her we were not getting him. She gave me a hug, and in an effort to re-gather my strength I took the sonogram photo down and took it to the shredder box, never looking at it.

I am going to skip the details of the next few days and sum it up as every day gets better. I am at peace with that not being our baby. I know that I confused what I was willing to be God's plan with what his plan was. I truly believe He needed us to play a part in that baby's life. I pray that he will be well cared for, and I have released my claim of him. I know that was not our baby. I know that God has our perfect baby out there, and when the time is right, he will provide the means and opportunity.

Today, I want to say how thankful I am that we are so blessed. I knew that we had good people in our lives, but I don't know that I fully appreciated what that meant. Less than a week ago, I thought that I did not want to face a life without the plan I had in place for the previous 3 months. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare of that phone call. As those I love have found out about this change of plans, they have reached out in a way that has healed me. All of the verses, cliche'd phrases, words of love, promises of prayers and even tears for how much they already loved the idea of our baby coming home with us soon. Those things have given me strength to face a new future and hope that if I thought I loved that baby, imagine how incredible it will be when I hold my child that will not be taken from me. It's something so wonderful, that I am almost thankful to have faced this failed adoption. We are even more excited about getting our real baby than we were when we first started the search

My husband is my source of strength. He is the reason that I am willing to go back out there searching again. He is going to make the most wonderful father! Being his partner in our lives together to this point has been so rewarding. Parenting with him will truly make my life! Thanks be to God for a wonderful life and for your perfect plan. Thank you for teaching me how to trust in You when I think I know best.

There is no song to use here. There are truly no words.

Home

I think they call it nesting. It may seem a little late to start this process, but come on people, I've had a very abbreviated "pregnancy." Last weekend, mom and I found the long sought after dresser/changing table. And we also found a well-loved rocker. GREAT Saturday morning at the flea market. Then we found all the fabric for the nursery in one place! Andrew and I cleared out the existing furniture to make room for the baby's stuff and picked up the crib from our friends on Sunday. I sorted through the clothes that have been donated and washed everything up to 6 months. It almost looks like a baby lives here now! Soon, my lovelies... very soon!

Home by Phillip Phillips